As a child, I always looked up to my parents as my only source of inspiration and love. I can still remember how I loved to personify my father's strength of character and wisdom in dealing with the elderly in our small community; for they looked up to him as the epitome of stoic will, determination and innate intelligence.
He came from a destitute family who believed that life is all about eating, drinking and dying, but my father’s indifference to the ignorant beliefs of his elders made him struggle to find education beyond his parents' disapproval. In order to be able to attend elementary school, he volunteering to work as a duck-tender for a "landed" relative at a tender age of eight.
He drove the fowls to the river each morning and he swum his way to the flock each afternoon in order to bring them back home. He was not treated and fed well, and he walked miles each day on bare feet and ragged clothes just to be able to attend school. Yet his early cognizance of the hardships of poverty drove him to stay to achieve what he wanted: a simple elementary education which he completed when he was fifteen.
With the accomplishment of that simple ambition, he made another quest - to finish high-school, and with that ardent desire, he proceeded to our province's capital city to work as a dishwasher and all-around-worker for another relative who happened to own a small eatery. These he did just to earn a place to stay, little food to keep him up and some loose change for his needs in school, as public elementary and high schools in the Philippines are free.
He eventually finished high-school at second place and years later, he joined the U.S. Armed Forces in the Philippines to fight for democracy against the Japanese. This feat had made him "the big fish in a small pond" in our little place.
My mother was my father's "little dummy" whose dedication and love for her husband easily transformed her from a landowner's daughter to a doting wife whose only direction in life is to love and to follow her husband's way. They could have easily complimented each other had it not been for my father's bitterness of his sad past.
My father was a good provider. He was a man of strict principles and he had a vision.
Although quite successful and respected, my father's past drove him angry and full of hate; we had become the innocent receivers of his past frustrations in life. He was easily irritated and his moods were unpredictable. Beyond idolizing his principles, we were very tense in his mere presence.
I adored my father, but his character had setup the distance between us. I can never recall a day that my father had hugged me (or anyone of us six siblings) much less tell me that he loved me. It could have been the greatest reassurance that I as a child, can get from a parent, no matter how angry he might have been with something or someone else.
Growing up as a teenager, I cannot avoid the feeling of envy upon seeing my peers being casually talked to by their parents, who sometimes give them tips how to woo their first love, or advise them not to give in too strong, because they know the pain it would give when things go wrong.
As a kid, I was afraid of even fighting for myself because I never felt that my father will stand up for me when I'm in trouble. I was more afraid of the punishment that may come than to stand up to confront my aggressor. I am a very obedient son. My father told me to always stay out of trouble. He never told me that when we are right, sometimes we have to stand up to fight and be a "man" without getting punished.
My father was a well-read fellow even in that remote countryside. The folks looked up to him because of his knowledge and sound opinions. He is the village adviser on almost every aspect and he could have easily been the best in my young eyes had he overcame the ghost of his past. And he could have been at peace with himself and everyone else, and he could have told me that living the present moment each and everyday is the best way to savor the only life that God has given us. The past needs to be forgiven for what it was.
I still admire my father. His teachings have rooted deeply inside my heart. But I have taken steps to modify a few things that need to be changed, and that is to demonstrate and express my unconditional love to my wife and children, to stand by them beyond a wholesome discipline, and to forgive the past that had shrouded me, for living in the past only hurts me more rather than give me the vindication I wanted to see.
Despite his weaknesses, my father's strengths had helped to instill the best of values that he wanted me to exude in my life. These are honesty, self-reliance, respect, godliness, truthfulness, perseverance and determination, among many.
His stern character has taught me that it is not fear, but love which is the strongest bond that ties the family together.
His calloused nature made me realize that it is the parents' assurance of support which is the spring that nourishes their children's confidence.
But the best thing I learned was to forgive the past for what it was and strive to make it a trophy for what I would be today or tomorrow.
